Chris Kirkland stood on the roof of a hotel in Portugal during pre-season camp.
The former Liverpool and England goalkeeper was on the verge of suicide due to addiction.
– My story will be terrifying to people, the 41-year-old tells the Times.
Chris Kirkland has been addicted to painkillers for ten years.
On July 4, 2016 during a training camp with Bury, he stood on the roof of the hotel and was about to end his life.
Drug addiction and depression caused him to hallucinate, have bad breath, and he suffered from severe anxiety.
It was the thoughts of wife Leona and daughter Lucy back home in England that hindered him.
– I was going to jump. Then I felt Leona and Lucy pull me back from afar, says Chris Kirkland.
Back injury caused problems
He must have started with a back injury sustained during his time at Liverpool.
Eventually he got convulsions and started taking painkillers.
When his back problems got worse, he started using tramadol to try to get rid of the problems.
– I really shouldn’t be here because of the amount I used. It was about tramadol, you shouldn’t take more than 400 milligrams a day. I was taking 1,000 milligrams every day, and during the time I was on Sheffield Wednesday, I was taking 2,500 milligrams a day, says Chris Kirkland.
I asked from India
Coming off the edge that night in Portugal, he called his wife and confessed for the first time to himself and others that he needed help.
In recent years, he’s twice experienced relapses, been admitted to a rehab clinic and underwent abstinence programs.
Recently, in February, he ordered painkillers from India online and didn’t know what was in them.
Two minutes after picking them up he didn’t know who he was.
It was the worst experience I’ve had in my entire life. I became very ill. I thought I was going to die. I didn’t know where to live. I only got home because I was able to get to “home” with GPS. I woke up after 18 hours. “I realized I had to get rid of the pills before I killed myself, so I flushed them down the toilet,” says Chris Kirkland.
Football problems
During the next week without painkillers in his body, he could barely move and described it as the worst of his life.
Sweating and shivering, his wife Leona had to check on him periodically to make sure he was breathing properly and to prevent him from taking the pills.
Analgesics should be completely eliminated from football clubs. If that’s not realistic, there should be procedures in place when players start asking for it on a regular basis. Many players do not admit their problems because they fear the consequences, especially in the first and second leagues. They have performance bonuses and mortgages, Chris Kirkland says.
In the years 2001-2006, he belonged to Liverpool and was also the third goalkeeper in England.
In addition to this, he has played for clubs like Wigan. Coventry and West Brom.
A month after the accident in Portugal, he took a time out and never came back as a goalkeeper.
It’s now been five months since Chris Kirkland took his last pain reliever and says it feels great.